I'm reviving the blog to update everyone a little bit about what's been going on in our lives. I have been waiting to write this post when I could wrap it all up with a little cute bow. When I could share the bad news with the good. I wanted to write this post when I could announce at the end David and I are growing our family. But here we are right smack in the middle of our story of infertility with no baby in sight.
Our story began in the fall of 2014 when we thought it was a good time to start a family. We were living the dream in an ocean front hotel room and David was working at a Chick-fil-A in St. Petersburg, Fl. I was beyond excited. It was a really good season of life. Fast forward a year - still not pregnant but friends were starting to tell us they were pregnant. At this point I'm kinda bummed but it's only been a year - our time had not yet come. In 2016 we moved to Moline, IL and for the first time in two years we were ready to settle down. I thought - Bring on the babies!! However, 2016 turned out to be the hardest year emotionally. Part of me thinks it was a blessing we were so far away from friends and family because 2016 was the year every friend - high school, college, Raleigh-Durham area, CFA - was having a baby. In all seriousness, I can think of 2 friends that did not give birth in 2016. Next year was a whirlwind. We were licensed foster parents in 2017 and we had a 6 week placement of a 3 year girl and 4 year old boy. For two inexperienced parents, that was tough! We learned a lot including 2 kids was a little much for us.
So here we are in 2018. Friends and family are on baby #2 and I'm an emotional mess. All the questions arise - why is that girl pregnant and not me, why does God think I'm not ready to be mom or not worthy to be a mom, why does this have to be so hard? And the toughest part of all was feeling so broken, left behind, and alone.
To be really honest, it was a struggle to stay happy. Which was SO frustrating because my life was and still is great!! I could not understand why I had to fight so hard to be happy. And I'm not a fighter. I like to just run away. There were plenty of days when I was ready to throw in the towel on God, the Bible, and christianity. I was furious at God and the world. There have been a lot of tears! A Lot!
Then after some time (over night to weeks later), God in his gentle way would bring me back to him. What does that mean or look like? Well I really started to believe that if Jesus loved me enough to die on the cross for my salvation, he loved me enough to care for my daily life too. I would have peace that mine and David's life was great and perfect just the way it was. I can't explain the peace but it's real.
It has definitely been a roller coaster of emotion - crying in my pillow to I'm really doing well. At this moment I have hit a high peak, and I have finally reached a point in the journey where I'm ready to talk about it. Now I see this struggle with infertility as MY privilege to shout the name of Jesus even when life is hard and broken and messy. By no means has this thought been easy. It has taken me 4 years to get here.
So for those of you dealing with hard and messy stuff, I'm here for you. I'll do my best to help in any way I can. If you want to talk about comparing your life to others - I've been there. We must remind ourselves to run the race God gave us with our eyes on him. We've got to quit looking around. If you want to talk about disappointment - yep been there too. Want to talk about humbling yourself to God's plan and realize the world does not revolve around you - that is my daily challenge. What I know is we have to keep looking at Jesus. He is good. God's plan is good. Humility to the plan is hard (I like to be in control) but the fight is worth it. If you want to ask about our journey with infertility, I'm ready (I think). I will likely cry. Not because I'm necessarily sad but it is just emotional and that's what I do. You have been warned.
Thanks to the few who have walked with us over the years and prayed for us! We appreciate your prayers as we continue to pursue a family. We hope for the day when we can make that big announcement but until then we will continue to praise the name of Jesus and all he has done for us!
With Love,
Kaylee
